Hey.
Back again.
So... still alive. Still kicking about, being ridiculously depressed and immensely scared of people, while living in stark terror of the world, especially given the rules by which all of this seems to operate.
(Seriously, how are all of YOU not freaked the freakin freak out by how this is set up and how it plays out???)
But leaving that aside for now, I've been writing.
I've even posted some things, which you might have seen even if you didn't know it was me, because I carried through (finally) on that idea from way back when, and started posting stories under a new identity on a certain site or two.
The goal is to try to unclench my perfectionism and imposter syndrome and all of that noise and just have fun writing, also to distract myself from real life by immersing myself in creating a less awful and scream-inducing world populated by characters who are infinitely cooler, prettier, and more interesting than myself.
I tried that before, a couple of times, with the Jem/Dawn crossover, and then the retelling of Buffy Season One that I did just the one massive chapter for, but both times I fell prey to pride and posted them under my usual handle anyway, because I really liked both of those chapters and I wanted people to know I'd written them.
But, to be fair, both of those are odd and quirky story concepts, and I shouldn't have been surprised that there wasn't much response from readers, except a tiny bit of polite golf-clapping from long-time readers of my stuff.
So this time it's different. I made up a new name, I picked some pretty straightforward Buffy stuff to riff on as I threw together a story or two, and I just sat down and started going.
Annnnnd... I'm pretty happy with the result. I've had days where I got five thousand words done in basically one sitting, just powering through and trying hard not to beat myself up over every single sentence. I still want to do good work, I think this IS pretty good work, but the most important thing is that I'm not tearing myself to shreds by agonizing over making it perfect, and then hating myself because it turns out to be somewhat less than perfect.
So, yeah, that's a thing I've been doing these last few weeks, trying to see if I can not only put out a chapter without it wrecking me emotionally, but also to see if I can do it repeatedly (unlike the last two tries, with the aforementioned stories).
And, well, so far so good. I'm wondering if I'm ready to step back to one of the DreamSmith stories that people still read and still ask about.
I think the answer is 'almost'.
Maybe one more chapter under the alias, for now, to get to a stopping point, and then we'll see.
It will also likely be one of the smaller, lesser stories that I start back with, just to see if I can smoothly continue one of those long-dormant tales.
We'll see.
My mental/emotional situation, to be frank, still isn't great.
When I think about real life, I freak out, I get paralyzed by fear and dread and sheer, unadulterated horror, because that's what this life IS, when you really look at it... and there's very little I can do about it. There's very little that anyone can do about it.
Except, I guess, to bury ourselves in diversions and distractions, and for me that's always been stories, either reading them or writing them.
So why not do that, if I can manage it?
(I know, cheery stuff, for sure. Apologies for that. I'm being medicated now, for depression and anxiety, but at best that just lets me focus on other things for a few hours at a time... which is better than the alternative, so I guess I'll take it)
I'll post here again if/when I get some progress on one of the old stories.
It is my very serious intention to NOT let another two or three years pass without update; I'm still waiting for science to deliver my immortality pill, so I'm well aware that there's a less than infinite amount of time to actually make some progress on all this stuff.
To anyone who's actually reading this, and who cares even a tiny bit about my writing, my stories, and my take on the various characters from Buffy and elsewhere--thank you.
Thank you for existing, thank you for every time you clicked on one of my stories or left a review or a recommendation.
Just....
Just thanks, is all.
Happiness is in very short supply in my life, and always has been, but you gave me something, and I appreciate it.
Hope to have more for you soon.
Alan
aka
DreamSmith (and also others, but 'shhhhh', it's a secret!)
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